Hallelujah
by carlycarter
Summary: Does she really not care at all if you live or die? Does she just not notice? Was any of it ever real?" An encounter in the snow..Emily/JJ Femslash
1. Chapter 1

_**Chapter 1**_

_**JJ**_

You feel awkward somehow, entering the building. You've entered it a thousand times. But something is different. And it's not the building. It's you. You're not the same person. You're not JJ anymore.

You missed this place, more than you thought you would. You missed the job, the satisfaction of doing it well, your team, your family. You didn't realise that four weeks away would be so hard. Maybe it was so difficult because you knew that when you returned things would have changed. Things would keep changing. Will wants you to move to New Orleans. How could he ask you to leave all this behind? Your job? Your family? But you quickly remind yourself that Will is your family now. He is supposed to be first place in your life. Not a job, not your team, not Emily.

If you're honest with yourself, you missed her most of all. You're dying to see her. To reassure yourself that nothing has changed. You haven't lost her. Why should things have to change just because you got married? Why should it affect your friendship? And yet she seemed so distant. She told you that she was giving you space. And you went along with it. After all she had a point, Will was your finance. You needed to give him attention. Yet you didn't want to. You wanted to plead with her to come back into your life. To tell her you missed her constant companionship. To let things be the way they had been before.

"Welcome back Mrs LaMontagne. How was the honeymoon?" Your colleagues greet you. You shudder each and every time one of them calls you that ridiculous name. And they keep it up for the whole morning as if it's the funniest joke that they ever heard. You don't want to draw any attention to yourself by making a big thing about it. But God you just want to be JJ again.

You notice instantly that Emily isn't here. You're always been acutely, instinctively aware of her presence or absence. You've always wondered if she felt it the same way. It makes you feel self conscious. And so you don't ask anyone about her. You spend your time wondering where she is or what she is doing. Didn't she want to be here on your first day back? Is she working on a case? Is she taking the day off? This thought unsettles you. That she might have some sort of plans that you don't know about. That she would be doing something without you and the team. You realise it is ridiculous and petty and jealous. Why shouldn't Emily have a life away from this office? You do.

Finally when you can't stand it anymore, you stroll casually over to Garcia at her desk and ask "Hey, where is Emily?"

Garcia swings her head abruptly to look at you- she seems surprised at your question. She is silent, and you think for a moment that she hasn't heard you. You are about to repeat the question.

"JJ" She begins. Her tone alarms you instantly. Serious and kind, as if she is about to tell you some very bad news. But she tells you nothing. She just asks softly "What do you mean?"

_**Emily**_

You are utterly alone as you walk. It's far too cold for any sensible person to be out walking the streets. There once was a time you considered yourself a sensible person; that time has passed. You find it somehow peaceful, this intense, bitter cold. It is so cold it's painful, every inch of your body is aching- and it feels so good. And then slowly you feel your extremities becoming immune to the cold. Your limbs grow numb, heavy. You long for numbness to overtake your mind the way it has your body. There must be a point when this escalating unrelenting pain ceases to touch you, a point where it's just not possible to hurt anymore. You want to find that place.

You're tired. But you keep walking. Lifting your heavy feet and moving forward. One foot in front of the other. Because to stop means giving up... Hope.

You despise hope. And yet you cling tighter each day. You wish you could let it go. Because the tighter you hold, the more its gonna hurt when its ripped away from you. You wonder why you cling so furiously to hope? You know that hope is just a cruel trick to teach you to hold onto something that isn't even there. That was never there.

_Where did this inextinguishable hope come from, Emily? Who taught you to cling to hope like that? What has hope ever done for you? Just give up, Emily. Let go. _

But you can not.

You have nothing to lose now. That's dangerous. You'd sacrifice anything. Even your dignity- which is the last thing of value that you possess. You're in a dark place. So dark you can't breathe. But you know it would take only the tiniest fraction of light to dispel the darkness. You know it wouldn't cost her anything to give that to you. Just to hear her voice, to see her one last time. That's all it would take and you wouldn't be in the darkness anymore. You can't stop longing for that. You'd do anything. It's irresistible. Even though you tell yourself that she's happy. You tell yourself to leave her alone. You tell yourself you're making a fool of yourself. But you have nothing to lose. That's why you went to see her. That's why you called her. That's why you're waiting here for her.

You know she isn't coming, but you're still waiting.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2**_

_**JJ**_

"What do you mean, what do I mean?" You raise your voice. Quickly you pull yourself together and try to sound calm, as if you don't really care. "I just wondered where Emily was this morning?"

"I thought she told you." Garcia answers. Despite all the questions you've asked, you realise that Garcia has yet to give you one single word that resembles an answer.

"Obviously she didn't." You're angry now. Angry at Garcia for not giving you a straight answer. Angry at Emily for not being here, angry that you don't know what's going on.

Garcia motions for you to sit. "Emily..." she began "doesn't work here anymore. "

"What?" you gasp.

"She resigned. Two weeks ago."

"She what?" You realise you sound like an idiot. But you are truly speechless. "Emily resigned? Why?"

Garcia looks at you for a long time. "What do you mean why?" She asks finally.

You're confused. And frustrated. You've obviously missed something big.

"What happened?"

Garcia is still looking at you like you have two heads, like you should somehow know the answers. And you realise Garcia is right- Emily is your best friend. You should know something like this. You shouldn't have to be here begging and pleading for scraps of information about your best friend.

"Come on JJ." Garcia looks away, as if she feels too uncomfortable to continue.

"You just let her leave just like that, why didn't you stop her?" You continue. Nothing about this makes any sense at all.

Garcia stops and considers your question. "I wanted to stop her." You can see Garcia means this, and you know that she is close with Emily. You can see that Garcia is upset about Emily leaving. It still makes no sense to you. "I'm not sure I could have stopped her, JJ. I'm not sure it was my place to try." She finishes, almost accusingly. As if it was your place to stop her. How could you when you weren't here? You were on your honeymoon. How could you when you didn't know anything about it? You still know nothing.

Garcia continued "If you'd seen the look in her eyes, how hard it was for her to leave. But she wanted to go, how could I make it harder for her. I had to let her go. You have to let her go, JJ."

This makes no sense to you. In one breath she seems to be condemning you for not being the one to stop Emily leaving, and now she is telling you just let it go.

You won't let Emily go. You can't. Not without getting to the bottom of this.

"I need to speak to her." You say. You need to talk some sense into her. You need a straight answer, and Garcia isn't giving it to you. You need a reason. You just… need to see Emily.

You feel Garcia's hand on your arm pulling you to a stop, and her voice harsh. "Just think about it, JJ. Think about what you're doing, yeah?"

_**Emily**_

Today is your birthday; today you wish you'd never been born. You look back at your footprints in the snow. Where have you come from? Where are you going? Fresh falling snow covers over your tracks as if you'd never even been here. You are insignificant, forgotten, and unnoticed, Emily.

It hurts a lot to be insignificant, forgotten, unnoticed, by someone you will never forget, who is the most significant person in your life. Who you never could forget- even if you wanted to. And sometimes you want that badly.

You realise you will never be good enough. Not good enough for your mother. Not good enough for JJ. Not good enough to even measure up to your own expectations. You add 'inadequate' to your list. _You are __insignificant, forgotten, unnoticed and inadequate, Emily Prentiss. _Your job was the one thing you were genuinely proud of. And you just threw that away. What is left? Who is left? Who would miss you? Who would even notice you're not here anymore?

You feel the phone vibrate in your pocket. Why did you even bring it with you? _You're such a fool, Emily. _Still hoping. You can't quite close the door. Even though JJ didn't blink as she slammed it shut in your face. You are still waiting for her. You're scared to look at the message. That bitter disappointment is going to sting so badly. You want to hold tight to that hope, just for a little longer.

You picture the message in your mind. Its nothing big. Not 'I love you' or 'I miss you' or even 'I'm sorry'. Just something simple. Just _'Hey Em, Happy Birthday, JJ.'_ It seems the perfect excuse for her to make contact. If she wanted to. Does she even remember it's your birthday?

'Happy Birthday." You mumble to yourself, wondering if you've ever really had a 'happy' birthday.

During childhood you were always showered with expensive gifts, thrown extravagant parties with immaculately dressed, well behaved children. You had everything money could buy. But it meant nothing. As you grew older you stopped celebrating. You'd rather forget the fact that another year had come and gone and you had so little to show for it.

But then there was last year. You smile as you remember. All of your colleagues remembered your birthday, even though you were only new to the department. Remembering your birthday was more than your own parents managed each year. You arrived at work to find flowers on your desk from the team. All day long everyone was extra nice to you; making coffee for you and buying you lunch. You really didn't know how to take all the attention. It was foreign to you, and it embarrassed you. And JJ baked you a cake. She had gone home the night before to her kitchen and in her own time actually made a cake with her own two hands. Even your mother had never done such a thing.

You cherished that cake, more than the perfect shop bought cakes your mother had ordered year after year. You loved it because it was from her heart, because it showed that she had thought of you. Even though the icing was uneven, and even though you felt old as JJ published your age on the cake top with purple icing. It was the most perfect thing anyone ever did for you. You all went out for drinks after work. It was the best birthday ever, celebrating with people who loved you, who accepted you, who wanted to wish you well and share the joy of your birthday with you. That was how you had always imagined a birthday should be as you grew up. And yet if someone had asked you as a child what you felt was missing from your birthday, you wouldn't have been able to pin point it. Now you knew- It was being with people who loved and accepted you.

But there will never be another birthday like that one. Not now. You've made sure of that. And now that you've experienced a family like this, it seems somehow so impossible to go on alone. You wish you'd never got that job, never become part of the team, never met JJ. How could you go back to being insignificant, forgotten and unnoticed after they have made you part of their family? How could you go on unloved now that you finally know what love feels like?


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3**_

_**JJ**_

You realise instantly as you arrive at Emily's place that something isn't right. You can feel it, she's not there. She's gone. Not just gone out for the day. Gone. You force your way inside. It isn't hard. Everything is gone. Furniture, belongings. Everything that made the place 'Emily's'. Your heart skips a beat. Something is very wrong.

You phone Garcia. "All her stuff is gone." You tell her, wondering if Garcia already knew this. She seems surprised though, and you manage to convince her to track Emily down. She hangs up promising to get back to you.

The phone rings again almost as soon as you hang up. "Emily?" You breathe as you answer it. '_Just let it be Emily, let her be ok._' You plead.

You're greeted with an exasperated sigh at the other end of the phone. "No Jennifer, it's Will, your husband."

You're so disappointed that you barely notice his irritation at the way you answered the phone with Emily's name.

"I can't talk now, Emily is missing." You explain.

"For Christ's sake Jennifer!" He yells. You're shocked by his tone.

"What?" You manage to ask, too shocked to be angry at the way he yelled at you.

"Can't that woman leave us alone?" He demands.

"Will, she's my best friend, and she has vanished. What do you want me to do? Just ignore it?" You wonder why you bother justifying this to him. You want to hang up. But something sits uneasily with you- just why is he so angry?

"Wake up, Jennifer. She is playing games with you. She wants your constant attention. She's jealous. Come home to me, let her be. I already told her twice this week to get a life and leave us alone. "

"You told her what?"

"She called the other day, and came over yesterday, looking for you. We've only been married five minutes; I told her to get lost. Leave us in peace. Honestly, any one would think you're married to her!"

Emily came over? To talk to you? And Will sent her away? How could he say those things? Emily is your best friend; she is part of your life. She came to see you, she needed you. He sent her away. And now she's gone.

You hang up without saying goodbye. You don't have time for this, you need to find Emily, and Will isn't going to help or support you.

Your phone rings again. You're hoping its Emily, dreading its Will. It's Garcia. She doesn't speak for a moment.

"Well?" You ask.

"I have a location"

You wait, more silence.

"Are you going to tell me?" You ask, scared for a moment that she isn't.

"I promised Emily I wouldn't try to track her down. I gave my word. I hope you know what you're doing, JJ."

"What is up with you? What is that supposed to mean?"

"Open your eyes, JJ. Stop thinking about yourself, and think about Emily."

"I am thinking about Emily!" You protest. You think of nothing but Emily.

"You could convince her to come back. You're the only one who probably could. But be sure you want it. Be sure you mean the things you say."

"What things?" You demand. What on earth is she talking about? Of course you want Emily back, doesn't everyone want Emily back?

"You'll have to figure that out for yourself, JJ. Just be gentle. And be honest, with yourself and with Emily."

"Alright" You agree, and Garcia gives you the details of Emily's location.

_**Emily**_

You stop walking, finally unable to go on, and sit in the snow, pulling your knees close to your chest to keep warm. '_Its ok Emily_,' you tell yourself, '_This will be your last birthday; you'll never have to live through another one.' _

You listened patiently as the Dr explained the diagnosis to you. It seemed perfect somehow. And he looked at you strangely as a sad but peaceful smile crept across your face. You wanted to make it easy for him. Tell him it was ok that you were dying. You were dead inside already. Your heart has already been shattered. There is nothing any Dr could tell you, nothing any disease could do to you that could do any more damage. There was nothing left that could hurt or frighten you. In fact you welcomed death, respite from the anguish of living like this. Forgotten. You wonder if that is what they will write on your tombstone. _'Here lies Emily Prentiss. Insignificant,. Forgotten. Unnoticed. Inadequate. Unloved'. _You wished many times that you possessed the strength in you to give up hope all together and end things. But now you wouldn't have to. Sometimes things work out for a reason. It all seemed perfect.

The Dr explained about treatments, to buy time, maybe even a few years, to make things easier, but you had no interest in his treatments. You saw no purpose. The Dr told you to get your affairs in order. What affairs? What did you have left to do? You resigned from your job. That was your only commitment. And so now you sit. In the snow. With nothing left to do. Just dream. And hope. And wait. And you're still waiting for her.

You are desperate to see JJ one more time. To say goodbye. And you tried, even though you told yourself you were being foolish and unfair. She was happy, leave her be. You couldn't let go without trying. But she didn't care anymore. She had no room in her life for you. And you hated yourself for being so weak and pathetic to go running to her for help.

And even as you sit berating yourself for calling, for going to her house, you can't stop thinking about her. You're still here longing for her, wishing she was here. Waiting for her to call you.

Finally, curiosity overwhelms you, and with a trembling cold hand you reach in and pull the phone from your pocket. You close your eyes; you need it to be from her. Just a few words. Just something.

Familiar disappointment floods you as you realise the message isn't from her. It's from Garcia. You don't even open it; you throw the phone into the snow. You feel bad momentarily. Garcia is a good friend to you. How could a message from a friend make you feel so bad? So angry, frustrated, so alone and broken. Just because it isn't from JJ? How did your whole life disintegrate to this point where nothing but JJ could reach you? And anyone that tried only earned your resentment. _You are so pathetic, Emily. _Unnoticed, Forgotten, Inadequate, Unloved. Pathetic. But you try not to worry about it, you won't be around much longer so there isn't much point changing your personality now, even if you had the energy to.

You've been somehow hanging out hoping JJ would call you. You convinced yourself this message was from her. It would have been all ok if that one message was from her. But it was Garcia. And somehow this made it finally sink in. It's not JJ. She hasn't called. She isn't going to. _Give up, Emily_. You think to yourself it's just too late now. Even if she was standing here in person right now telling you that she loved you. How could you forgive her for these months, the way she shut you out, completely oblivious to the pain she caused you. It wasn't her fault, you remind yourself, it was you who had such unreasonable expectations. But still you're bitter.

Somehow you expect her to know, just to know that you need her so badly right now. That it's the darkest hour of your life, and all you want is for her, just for one minute, to hold your hand. How can she deny you that? Does she really not care at all if you live or die? Does she just not notice? Was any of it ever real? You believe somehow, that if you call to her, deep from your heart, you believe that she can hear you. You expect her to hear you and come to you. You know you expect too much, but you can't help it. And silently in your mind you call to her. '_Please hear me, JJ, one last time, please hear me. Please come.'_

You know it's far too cold, but you can't feel it anymore. You know you should get back to the cabin before you freeze to the spot. But you are so tired. You just want to lie right where you are. Curl up and go to sleep. It would take so much effort to move. And why should you bother? You can't find one reason. You close your eyes. What would it matter if you stayed right here and never got up? She isn't coming.

You're not cold anymore. You're not anything. You don't think you exist. You wonder if this is death. You can't move. But your mind keeps turning over. You have no peace. You feel so foolish for giving everything to her. You feel so alone, so abandoned. But at the same time you want her to be here. You want to thank her for everything she brought to your life, for the best year of your life. You want to tell her you're sorry for the way you've been acting. You want to tell her to be happy. You just want to say good bye. But it's too late.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4**_

_**JJ**_

You follow the directions to an isolated cabin in the woods. Emily's car is parked out front. According to Garcia, the property is owned by Emily's mother. You search inside, Emily is nowhere to be seen. You stand outside scanning the horizon desperately as the icy breeze chills you to the bone. She can't be far. Her car is here. Just wait.

At first you don't notice the figure huddled in the snow. It seems unreal. It's a moment before you realise that you are running towards it. It's her.

Emily.

She is so still, so cold. It tears your heart like nothing else ever has to see her lying there. You realise in that split second that she is the most important thing in your life. That you'd sacrifice anything in that moment to have her be ok.

You kneel beside her screaming her name. "Emily! Emily? Em! Talk to me!" You shake her and scream, and you get no response. She is curled up on her side, her arms shielding her face. Why is she lying here like this?

You feel your heart racing and you realise you're panicking. You've never lost your cool like this, not in any of the terrifying situations you've faced in your job. You take a breath. Force yourself to think. How can you help her? But all you can think is to shake her and scream and plead with her to answer you.

You roll her on to her back, and you kneel over her, brushing the snow from her face. You place your jacket over her, although you realise this does little to shield her from the cold, her own clothes are icy and wet. She is so cold, so still.

You realise you're crying as you lean over her "Emily, please!" You're crying so hard that you almost don't hear the sound that comes from her throat. You stop still for a moment, wondering if you imagined it. You wait.

"JJ?" You hear her say so softly.

That's all you needed, some sign from her.

She looks so cold, so small, so vulnerable lying in the snow like that. You can't stand to see her like this. You want to take care of her. "It's ok, everything will be ok now. I'm here, Emily."

She doesn't open her eyes, just saying your name seems to have exhausted her. You know she isn't able to stand, and you drag her into the house. You want to be gentle but there is no way that you can gently drag her inside on your own. The cabin isn't far but it seems so distant as you try to get her inside the warm.

_**Emily**_

You must be dreaming. Of course you're dreaming. JJ is here. You can hear her voice, talking to you.

"Em?" She calls you. She's never called you Em. You like it. "Can you hear me?"

You want to answer her. You can't.

You feel her hands touching you. You know they are her hands, because no one else's hands burn you like fire. You can't see her. Your eyes are closed. You don't want to open them, you don't want to wake up. But she keeps pleading with you. "Em talk to me, open your eyes."

You don't want to, but you have no power to refuse her anything, especially when she is crying. "Don't leave me Emily, please, I couldn't take that."

You struggle to open your eyes, trying to speak. Softly telling her "It's ok, don't cry."

You think about her words, '_Don't leave me Emily'_. You wish you could promise her that you never will. But you can't. You never thought she would ask that of you, and now that she has, it's the one thing you can't give her.

Besides, she will get over it. She has Will. She's not your JJ anymore. It takes a minute to focus. You make out the shape of her leaning over you, her hair glowing orange in the firelight.

You know she lit the fire. You can't hear it or smell it or feel it, but everything is glowing softly orange around you.

"Hey." She smiles at you, eyes sparkling with tears. You've never seen her so intense.

You want to ask if she is really here, what she's doing here. But your teeth are chattering so violently it's almost impossible to speak. She is pulling at your wet clothes.

"Em, you have to take these off, you're freezing."

She is so close, you can feel warmth and heat radiating from her. You struggle to sit up and take off your clothes.

"Let me help." She tells you as she peels icy clothes from you, gently drying your skin. You feel her fingers lingering on your body as she does so. You tell yourself you're imagining it. She is just trying to prevent you dying from hypothermia. Your fingers are so cold they can't function, you feel like a little girl as you fumble over the buttons on the dry shirt, trying to fasten them. She reaches over to help, and you let her.

You don't feel any warmer now that you're in dry clothes, but she is pleased "There, that's better." She says triumphantly, and it makes you smile. "Come here." She tells you as she wraps you in a blanket pulling you close. You feel your heart rate slow to normal, your hands stop shaking. Peace.

Her fingers are so warm against your ice cold skin. You feel electricity. She must feel that too. You take her hand in your own, and look up at her, straight in the eye. She looks away uncomfortably.

"Keep talking to me." She says "So I know you're alright." She still won't look at you, her gaze drifts to the fire place, but you look up at her, studying her reaction, as you speak.

"Tell me about your honey moon JJ." You say to her.

She looks stricken as if you slapped her. Why did you say it? She came here like you wanted. You said it was all you wanted, all you'd ask of her. But you want more. You always want more than she has to give.

Suddenly her arms are gone from around you, you're cold, alone. She stands to her feet. "I think we should take you to the hospital, make sure you're alright, or call a Dr or something."

"No." You protest strongly. You've had enough of Drs, hospitals, tests and procedures.

"It's ok, I'm just cold, that's all."

"I'm not surprised you're cold." You notice the bitterness in her voice. "What were you doing out there Emily, in the snow? What are you doing here? What are you doing leaving the BAU, not even saying goodbye? What is going on Emily?"

"You know the answers JJ." You tell her, equally as bitter. Wondering if it's true. Does she know?

You've somehow reached an impasse. There isn't anywhere to go from here. No kind of sensible conversation could take place when you're both so defensive, so frightened. You wonder if she will just turn and walk out. You wonder if it's for the best.

You lie back down on the couch, pulling the blanket tight, closing your eyes, not wanting to watch her walk away, but not willing to put yourself on the line to stop her.

"Emily." She whispers softly, breaking the silence

"Yeah." You mumble,

"Happy Birthday." She whispers in your ear, kissing the top of your head.

You can't help the tears that fall, you despise them, sign of weakness. She lays back beside you, pulling you close. You never want to leave this place. Her fingers are so warm against your ice cold skin that they burn you. She must feel that too.

You are so cold, and she isn't warm enough. Not enough to keep you warm no matter how close she pulls you. She isn't warm enough to save you, not warm enough to prevent you from sucking all the heat and energy and life and happiness out of her into the cold void of darkness inside of you. You know you should stop. Tell her to stop.

But you can't.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**JJ**

You lie beside her, holding tightly, as if she will slip through your fingers if you don't hold tight enough. You never want to let her go. You wonder if you're hurting her. Had she always been so fragile? You'd never seen it. Suddenly this woman who you always thought of as being so strong, seems so vulnerable. Suddenly things that confused you seemed so clear.

How could you have made such a mistake? How could you be so foolish? So Blind? Not to see that this, that she, is everything. What were you doing with your life? Marrying Will?

Is that why she left the BAU? Had you hurt her that badly? Garcia's knowing eyes flash before you. Even Will had seen it "_She's jealous_." He had told you.

How could it be that you never saw how much she meant to you, how much you meant to her? You'd never dare to dream that she might love you. Look what you almost lost. Everything.

You feel like you're holding all the cards. That somehow you need to be the one to say something, to do something. You just don't have the first idea what it is she wants or needs from you. And so you lie still holding her close. Bury your head in her shoulder. Her back is to you and you can't see her face. You wonder what she is thinking. It feels like hours before you find the courage to speak.

"Emily," Her name feels so right on your tongue and you almost stop right there. "What were you doing, out there, in the snow?" You ask the question, but you're not sure you want to know. Or perhaps you already know deep down.

She is silent and you wonder if she heard you. You wonder if you did this. Guilt pierces you. But you remind yourself quickly that you saved her. You're the hero. You tell yourself that if you'd arrived even minutes later, it might have been too late. You would have lost her forever. It makes your heart stop beating for a second. And you console yourself that you're the hero. You're not the villain.

It frightens you when she first speaks. Her voice is so intense, yet so calm.

"It was so cold," She speaks slowly. "And I was so tired of... everything." She answers you, without really answering you at all. But you don't think you really want her to say it. Don't think you want to hear that you broke her. That you shattered her will to live, robbed her of every piece of worth. That you're the one who took that shining light out of her eyes.

"I made you feel like that." You state rather than ask.

"No." She answers. But she doesn't elaborate, and you're not convinced. You're glad you can't see into her eyes in that moment.

"What do I mean to you Emily?" You ask her.

"Everything." She answers softly, without hesitation. It's not fair of you to ask her after all that's happened, after not putting yourself on the line first. But still she answers you instantly. Honestly. Asking nothing of you in return. And you know that she would give you anything you asked of her. It makes you want to cry.

"That's what you mean to me." You whisper in her ear. "Everything."

You mean it with everything in you. And you still can't bring yourself to look her in the eye as you say it. You're relieved she is lying with her back to you. You pull her tightly towards you. You finally admitted to yourself that you love her, finally admitted it to her.

You can tell instantly she doesn't believe you. She shakes her head slightly, doesn't say a word.

Does she know how hard it was for you to realise the truth, to admit it to her? And it hurts you that she dismisses it just like that. You don't really blame her though. You wouldn't have believed it either. You were a newly married woman. You needed to convince her, you just didn't know where to begin. Your confidence began to crumble. Everything is in your hands and you just don't know what to do with it.

"You can't leave the BAU. I won't let you." You tell her, feeling the pressure to say something, anything. You really want to say '_You can't leave me, I won't let you walk away from me. I couldn't survive without you. I'll never let anything happen to you again.'_

But you can't say the words. You're still holding back. You hate yourself for that. What is it you're afraid of? What could possibly scare you more than that moment you saw her lying in the snow thinking she was forever gone?

But she is holding back too, she isn't giving you much to work with. She's putting up walls to protect herself. And you don't know where to begin to knock them down. She's left you out in the cold.

Your mind is racing. All the things you need to resolve, you need to tell Will. You owe him the truth, even though you realise he already knows it. And what will happen at the BAU? You'd have to work something out. But it didn't matter. The only thing you knew for sure was that you needed her. Everything else would work itself out.

Your mind is so busy it takes you a while to realise she hasn't answered you. Maybe she is asleep. Maybe she is ignoring you. It doesn't matter, You will work it out.

"Everything will be all right Emily, as long as we're together." You whisper to her.

You've never realised how incomplete you felt your entire life, until this moment holding her in your arms. For the first time you know what it feels like to be completed by another human being. You feel that if she wasn't here anymore, that you would cease to exist somehow. That she had changed you irrevocably. It frightened you. But you realised for the first time as you held her in your arms,that it was worth it. That she was worth this, that she was worth everything.

She slept beside you so peacefully. You watched her for hours, finally breaking your embrace; you sit up and stare at her, tracing your fingers over her face. Whispering promises and declarations, things you should have said to her face when she was awake. Things you should have told her months ago.

It was the most perfect night. Unexpectedly, Undoubtedly, Unequivocally, perfect.

And when you woke in the morning, she was gone.

**Emily **

The snow falls thickly around you in the eerie darkness of the early morning. You're unable to see the way clearly in front of you. But you keep going, one foot in front of the other.

The keys slip from your trembling fingers as you fumble in the dark trying to open the car without waking her. You will yourself not to look over your shoulder.

_Don't look back Emily. _

You don't know where you're going. The direction isn't important. Any direction that takes you a step away from her is a step in the right direction.

Confusion overwhelms you. You are completely torn in two. You had wanted, desperately needed, her. And she had come to you. She held you and kissed you and told you that you meant the world to her. And you couldn't help but relish that moment.

It had felt so safe in her arms. But you also felt powerless. And you hate that she had seen you so vulnerable...so weak. It's not who you are. It was strange not being the strong one. It made you feel uneasy, it always had. But you had never realised how peaceful it could be to let someone take care of you. Thinking about it almost made you turn the car around. Longing to be back safe in her arms, believing her when she told you that, "Everything will be alright Emily." How simple it would be to believe her, to let her take care of you.

But you know you can't go back. You just can't put her through that. There is no hope for the two of you. You can't allow her to sit back and watch you slowly die. You can't allow her to jeopardise her marriage with Will for a future with you that can never be. You can't stay with her. But you can't give her a reason; you can't lie to her and tell you don't love her. You can't tell her the truth. And so you took the easy way out. You left, without saying goodbye.

_Run away Emily._

You'd already been running. From the BAU, from what was left of your life, from JJ. You'd run away thinking that you meant nothing to her. It almost killed you. But this time it's different. This time you're running from her when she held you and kissed you and told you that you were everything. That was the hardest thing you had to do in your life. But you had to do it. For her. To set her free.

You knew she wouldn't let go of you easily. She had proved that already by coming after you. Even though she was now married to Will, even though you had hurt her by leaving without telling her. She had still come after you. She was here with you, prepared to give her life for you. She wouldn't let you go. You had to hurt her. And that's why you left her just a note.

_JJ _

_I can't do this._

_I don't want this._

_Forgive me._

_Emily. _

You hoped it would be enough to send her back to her husband and make her forget all about you. It was true; you couldn't do it to her. And it was also true you didn't want to wreck her marriage, didn't want her to watch you fade away, and put her life on hold trying to save you when there was no hope. You wanted to spare her. But you knew how she would interpret that note. _'I don't want you.' _

Exhausted is all you can feel right now but you struggle to keep your eyes open as you drive. You take a deep breath and try to imagine as the car moves forwards along the road that time was ticking backwards. You imagine that you can unravel all the things you've done, all the things you have not done. Mistakes. Regrets. Choices.

You wait expectantly for the bad feelings to dissipate as you drive the winding road. Waiting for that anxiety and regret to be swept away with the wind, but you find the panic only grows stronger. You can't make any sense of that.

You want desperately to disentangle yourself from JJ. Want to be free, want her to be free. It's how it has to be. But instead the creeping feeling of being trapped settles upon you. You feel constricted, as if an invisible rope anchored you to her. The harder and faster you pull against it in an attempt to free yourself, the tighter the rope restricts you. Until you can no longer move. No longer breathe. The air is thick and heavy, you feel as if you will pass out any minute. You have no choice but to stop the car, to pull over to the road side even though every thought in your head is screaming '_no'_. Screaming '_Keep going. It will all be ok just keep going.'_

_Don't stop Emily._

But you have to.

You sit. Defeated. Gasping for air. The world is spinning around you. You feel like you will pass out at any moment. You feel like you want that. Long for it, for peace for the darkness. But it doesn't come. And so you sit. Helpless, hopeless, and alone on the roadside in the freezing snow.

And that's where he found you.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Chapter 6. **_

_**JJ**_

You wake to find the morning sun streaming through your window, with a smile on your face for the first time in a long time. You wake feeling complete. You wake with her name on your lips, dreams of your future filling your mind. For the first time ever, you wake up beside the right person. You wake from dreams filled with Emily, which is nothing new. But this time you wake and realise that they aren't just dreams. You wake to find that huge weight lifted off your shoulders. That heavy dark thing you hadn't even realised oppressed you for months. That dark thing that grew out of being parted from Emily. You woke feeling like you have the entire world at your feet.

And all that lasts only minutes. The minutes it takes to realise she is no longer lying beside you.

Panic fills you instantly. That exact same feeling as when you'd seen her lifeless in the snow last night. Exactly that same feeling of horror and dread, the feeling of your heart being ripped out. And somehow you know it, she is gone, and she isn't coming back.

You call her name, not expecting that she will answer. You rush to the window, afraid to look out and see her car is gone from the drive. You turn back and see the letter on your pillow. Afraid to pick it up. But you're compelled to. You hold the thin paper in your trembling hands and hear her voice to the words written upon it.

_JJ _

_I can't do this._

_I don't want this._

_Forgive me._

_Emily._

You hear the sharp cry from your lips, the letter floats out of your grasp to the floor. And you sink down to the ground alongside it.

You had never known a peace like that you felt in Emily's arms. Never known a love so strong as you felt for her. And never, ever known a pain of loss, grief, abandonment like you felt right in that moment. It stabs right into your heart. You feel it physically. You struggle to breathe.

You shake your head, telling yourself, _No this isn't happening_. Asking yourself, _How will I live without her? How could she do this to me? _

Things shift so amazingly quickly inside your mind, and your pain turns to anger and resentment. And that feels just a little bit better than rejection, loss, grief. How could she let you come here last night, telling her those things? How could she lie beside you, touching you, and not feel that connection? How could she walk away like that? After you gave up everything to come find her? And back your mind wanders, How could she have left the BAU without so much as good bye? How much could you really have meant to Emily Prentiss?

And then your anger turns inward. You were such a fool to come chasing after her. Did you really believe she could ever love you?

And, finally, you count your lucky stars that you hadn't yet told Will you were leaving him. Imagine throwing away your marriage, and possibly your career, for her. The one who just up and walked out the door and left you with nothing but a few lines scrawled on a note. Without a second thought. With no explanation, no goodbye. Again. When would you ever learn, you meant nothing to Emily Prentiss.

How foolish you were, To have believed she might see something in you, might feel it to. To believe you had figured her out at last. Figured out that the reason she left the BAU was because of you. That you could come after her and tell her she meant everything to you, that you could drop everything in your life to be with her, and she'd do the same. How arrogant to think that the reason she looked so broken and lost was because of you.

Had you really imagined all of it? The way she felt in your arms? The was she kissed you and held you. The way she looked at you all these months, the ways he touched you, the tender way she spoke to you. Was it really all in your head?

Sitting there pathetically crying on the floor of that cabin, you tell yourself that none of it was ever real. Tell yourself you have to forget it. Forget her. Go back to your life your husband. You certainly are not prepared to make a fool out of yourself for a second time chasing after her. If that's how Emily wanted it, let her be alone. Let her walk away from the job, the team, from you. It was her choice. And you knew your only choice now, was to get up and go back to your husband. It was the sensible thing to do, the only thing. And yet, somehow, it wasn't easy to bring yourself to move from that spot, to close the door on Emily forever the way she had done to you. So you had sat, and waited. For hours. Hoping against hope that this was all just a bad dream.

_**Emily**_

You don't remember clearly the things that happened next. Much of the past few weeks passed in a blurred dream like state. You closed your eyes and imagined you were dead already. That made you smile. You closed your eyes and remembered the feeling of JJ beside you, her arms around you, her voice whispering in your ear, her fingers through your hair. You ached for her to be beside you.

He picks you up in his arms, he feels so cold, his skin harsh compared to hers. Feebly you attempt to push him away, but you know already you have no chance. You hear him speak, not in that sweet angel voice of hers that made your heart race, Just a plain ordinary voice, "Get the blankets out of the back" he says, and you realise that he isn't alone. But you can't bring yourself to open your eyes, the effort was too much. And while his arms were a far cry from JJ's, you realised you feel safe. And while his voice wasn't JJ's, it still soothes you, because it was the voice of family. And for a moment you stop fighting him, let him put you in the car. For a moment you think you made the wrong choice, leaving the team behind. You still don't know who he is talking to. Neither of them is talking to you, You must look too far gone to be able to hear them.

JJ had called your name. "Em." She had called you. Even when she found you half dead lying in the snow. She still called your name. You want to her it again, to feel her hot tears falling, her hands burning your face, pleading with you to wake up. And you had opened your eyes when JJ asked. Not because you wanted to, you hadn't thought yourself even capable. But all it took was her to ask, and you did it. There was no choice in the matter. They don't call your name, they don't ask you to wake up. And so you don't. Not at first.

Not until you hear him talking about taking you to the hospital. The thought of another hospital makes you sick to your stomach. There was nothing they could do for you. And you realise that if you don't do something soon, you'll end up in the hospital. With the lot of them pathetically standing around your bed side, looking at you with pity in their eyes. Waiting, watching while you took weeks maybe months to fade away and die. You can't let it happen like that. You should have left the country when you had the chance.

"No." You manage to protest softly.

"Emily?" You hear Garcia say. And you open your eyes to find yourself in the back of the car in her arms. She pulls away to look at you, and from her expression you can tell you look like crap.

You turn to Morgan, driving. "No hospitals." You tell him.

Before he can answer, the sound of his phone ringing distracts his attention.

"It's Hotch." He announces to no one in particular.

"No." You tell him, plead with him, as he poises his finger to answer the phone. You haven't the strength to say more, to say '_no don't call anyone, don't tell anyone anything, don't take me to the hospital. just leave me alone to die.'_ But somehow he reads your face. He closes his phone. Looks over to Garcia.

"Eyes on the road." She tells him. Then she turns to you. "Emily. What's wrong?" She whispers. "Tell me."

"Don't tell anyone." You beg her. "Please?"

"Tell anyone what?" You hear Morgan ask from the front.

"Please." You plead again. It takes you a moment to catch your breath enough to say to her "Garcia, It's the very last thing I'll ever ask of you. Please."

"Emily, you're really scaring me." She tells you.

You grab her hand, squeeze it as tightly as you have strength to do. "Please. Promise. You can't tell anyone."

She looks confused, and frightened. But finally she nods. "Alright. For now." And you can see tears forming in her eyes.

"No hospitals." You tell her.

She shakes her head. "Emily." Garcia tells you. "That part is not negotiable."

You haven't strength to argue, and grateful for the moment that she has agreed to tell no one that you're sick, you close your eyes again.


	7. Chapter 7

_This is for Crayolakid0413 who encouraged and inspired me to resurrect this story, I couldn't have done it without you xo Thank you for helping me find the words. _

_**Chapter 7**  
_

_**Emily**_

Before you even open your eyes, you know you're in a hospital, those familiar sounds and smells overwhelm you.

You're aching all over, but it's something you've become used to these past weeks as the illness had taken over, invading your body, piece by piece. It should come as no surprise, no disappointment to you. You had accepted your fate, even welcomed it.

It's just. . . there had been that one night with JJ. That brief respite from the harsh reality. That night had been magical. As if you had never been sick. As if she had never married Will. As if everything was perfect...

But it had only been a moment in time. And as quickly as the moment crept up on you, it vanished. Just another perfect memory to haunt you.

And now, life goes on. Here you are. Back in this hospital. Sick. Alone...No, this time _not alone._

It feels so wrong to you. Because you are supposed to be alone. That's how you decided it would be. It's what you chose.

Still, there is a little bit of warmth in your heart when you feel Garcia squeeze your hand. Now that you've had your night with JJ, your final goodbye, your moment where she proved to you that- yes- you meant something to her, it's brought you some sort of peace. You no longer want to cry because someone who _isn'_t JJ is beside you. You're just glad someone is there. You're finally letting Garcia in. You're not sure why she bothers with you. After losing JJ you had shut everyone out. Simply because they weren't JJ, and JJ was all you needed, all you wanted. Now something has cleared in your head. Now you realise the value of what you have in Garcia's friendship. And you gently squeeze her hand in return.

"Garcia? " You hear your own weak voice crackling. And you start to cough violently from the effort of speaking. Just that one word leaves you breathless.

"Shhh, don't try to speak ." She soothes, as she squeezes your hand tighter.

You allow yourself to wonder, just for a minute, if JJ would be here holding your hand, stroking your forehead? If she would be the one here by your side, if you'd given her the chance to be? You want it, badly, her touch, her voice. But more than you want it, you want better for her. You want to spare her all of this.

It all comes flooding back, your illness, your prognosis, you don't really want JJ to be here, watching you fade away. You don't. You don't want JJ here, you remind yourself, over and over. Until it _almost_ feels true. You're happy she isn't here to see you like this. You want her to remember you as you were that night, last night. You want her to remember you as strong, and courageous, and beautiful. Not this wreck of a person stuck in a hospital bed.

You remind yourself you don't want here here, you don't want her arms around you, you don't want her to see this. Over and over and over you repeat it in your mind. Trying to convince yourself.

You feel it then, something new taking root inside of you. A pervasive and insidious fear. You are scared. You weren't before. You had been ready to die. JJ didn't love you, and you were ready to give up.

Then JJ had come to you at the cabin, she had held you, warmed you, nursed you back to health, made love to you, touched you, told you she loved you. Now, you're afraid. Now, it hurts. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, that she isn't here with you.

JJ had, as always, been that glimmer of sunshine in your darkest places. She had come to you in your hour of need. Heard your cry. And now you almost wish she hadn't. Almost wish she had let you go.

You try, in vain, to push JJ to the back of your mind. You hear Morgan and Garcia mumbling in the back ground. You can't make our every word. But you manage to piece together they are talking about JJ, about trying to contact her.

"No." No you manage to insist, and it's enough to make you go to the extreme effort of opening your eyes. "No, no, no." You tell them.

"Emily, it's ok." Garcia assures you. "We are here. Just rest."

Morgan can't quite bring himself to come close, he lingers uncomfortably in the doorway. "It's good to see you awake." He tells you. "Can I get you anything?"

You shake your head in response to his question. And manage to take a deep enough breath to beg Garcia. "Please, Please, Please, You can't tell anyone."

"Emily we are a family, I have..." She begins.

"I don't want JJ to see me like this." You interrupt her. You are so passionate about it that you've quite forgotten you can barely breathe. The tears start to fall unashamedly. You can count on one hand the number of time you'd cried in front of Morgan, and still have five fingers left over. But you just can't help it.

"Emily she misses you, she would want to know you're in the hospital." Garcia tells you. "She would want to see you."

"See me before I die, you mean?" You finish for her.

Garcia flinches, asthe color drains from her face. "Emily Prentiss, Don't say that!" She chides you.

"You spoke to my doctor." Emily states rather than asks. She knows there is no such thing as information that Garcia can't get her hands on.

"Yes we spoke to your Doctor." Morgan admits. "Emily, why didn't you tell us were unwell?" He asks.

"It didn't matter." You answer calmly. "I am no longer a part of the team, it wasn't relevant."

That's when Garcia starts crying. "How can you say that?" She demands. "I can't even begin to tell you how angry I am with you, Emily Prentiss!" She yells angrily as you lie there helpless, exhausted, pale as a ghost, with tears staining your face. Poor, sick, dying, Emily Prentiss, and she is yelling at you! She grabs your hand, holding it tight as if she wont let you go. "I want to slap you so hard." She tells you, but her voice has calmed. "You've been sick for months, and you never told us. You never took any treatments. What were you thinking? Why would you do that?"

"Settle baby girl." Morgan tries to calm Garcia, but he makes no move from his spot, firmly cemented in the doorway. "We can talk about it when Emily is feeling better." Morgan suggests .

Garcia is still crying "Emily, I'd die if something happened to you. Why didn't you take better care of yourself?" She asks.

Morgan paces the doorway awkwardly, saying nothing.

"You'll be fine." You assure Garcia, relinquishing her hand so that you can gently caress her tear stained face. It's killing you to see so much pain in her eyes, to know you caused it. You didn't want this, any of this.

"I am so mad at you." Garcia repeats, but there is only tenderness in her voice now. "Well, now I'm here. And now you are going to start the treatments. Today." Garcia orders.

"No. I don't want that." You protest.

"Why?" Garcia asks, genuinely confused.

"The treatments aren't going to work." You insist.

"Not with an attitude like that." Garcia snaps.

"I didn't want you here, either of you, so just go." You snap back.

"Ok, Enough." Morgan interrupts. "Emily, you need rest, we can talk later. The Dr says you have pneumonia, probably from a weakened immune system. They are giving you anti biotics to get on top of that. You will feel better in a few days when the pneumonia clears, and we can talk about other treatments then." Morgan says calmly.

You're too tired to protest that you don't want antibiotics, that it will make no difference in the end, your disease is too far advanced. They must know. But you look into their faces, Garcia's tear filled eyes, and the mad frustration in Morgan's gaze as he stands in the doorway. It makes them feel better to think they are helping. It makes them feel better to believe antibiotics are going to fix the pneumonia and everything will be fine. They want to believe it, they need it. So you let them have it. You give them this one small thing. Because you feel guilty for the pain you've caused them.

"Ok." You acknowledge, and even manage a weak smile. You realise it's too late to tell them to just leave you alone. They aren't going to budge. But there is still one thing you can still hope for. JJ doesn't have to see this.

"Good girl." Garcia tells you, returning your sad smile.

"But, " You add. "Please. I don't want JJ to see me like this." You plead with her.

"You cant ask me to keep this from JJ, Emily you just can't." Garcia states adamantly.

"Please." You plead with her. "It's the last thing I will ever ask of you. It's my dying wish."

"Stop saying that! You are going to get the treatment, get better." She insists.

"There is such a slim chance." You warn her in a soft voice.

"It's worth fighting for, you are worth fighting for!" She tells you. She means it, you know she does. She treasures you, and this is hard for her. "You have us, your team, your family. Aren't we worth fighting for?" She sounds so hurt and the guilt slices through you.

"I don't work there any more, I'm not part of the team." You protest.

"Is that why you resigned?" Morgan asks. "You could have talked to Hotch, He would have arranged time off, any help you needed."

"You all have other things to do, you need to focus on the job. You can't be worrying about me." You tell them.

"We are your family." Garcia insists. "You can't just walk away. I wont let you do this alone."

"I know better than anyone the importance of your job. You can't all sit here at my bedside crying day and night." You tell them.

"Not negotiable." Garcia insists. "We are here and we aren't going anywhere."

"I didn't want this." You insist, losing your patience. "I didn't want you crying over me like this, seeing you upset."

"I'm sorry." Garcia apologises. "I can't help it. I missed you so much when you left. And to think you were sick all these months and never told me."

"You would have read about it in my obituary soon enough." You say coldly. You aren't trying to be cruel. You just had enough. You cant have them here, you cant have JJ here. Maybe if you say enough callous things, they will get tired of you and just leave.

"You are not being fair. Not to us, not to JJ." Garcia tells you. "Not to yourself. I love you, and I'm so sorry you're sick. But don't push us away. I can handle anything you throw at me, anything. You can hate me for telling JJ, you can never forgive me. I will live with it. But you can not give up. You can't give up without a fight. I know it must feel awful, scary, lonely. But you are not alone now. We are all here with you. And you are gonna get better, whether you like it or not. And we are all going to be here, JJ included. I love you and I'd do almost anything for you, but I can't keep this from Jayj. And it's not fair of you to ask." Garcia tries to match your cold voice but can't quite do it.

"If you tell JJ about this, then don't bother coming back. " You threaten as you close your eyes, shutting her out. It's your last pathetic desperate attempt to keep JJ away. You know she is right, you aren't being fair. But you can't have JJ here, it's too painful, for you both.

"If that's how you want it. " Garcia answers. "If you don't want me here, that's ok. If you don't want JJ here, tell her to her face. She has a right to know. She is my friend too and I couldn't live with myself if I kept this from her."

With that she leans over and kisses your forehead. "I love you. Feel better." She whispers.

You turn your head so you don't see her leave, but you hear the door click shut behind her, and you can't help the tears that well up in your eyes. You know she is right, you're not being fair to her. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. You were supposed to slip away quietly, and no one was supposed to notice.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Chapter 8 **_

After Garcia has left, it's just Morgan alone in the room. There is silence for the longest time. Finally he clears his throat and asks "Can I get you anything?" From about as far away from you as he can possibly get without leaving the room.

"No." You answer. "You don't have to stay." You tell him.

"I'm right where I want to be." He replies casually.

"You can't even look at me. " You accuse. "You couldn't get further away from me if you tried. I don't have to be a profiler to see you don't want to be here. Its alright, I didn't want any of you to be , either. So you're free to go. Go after Garcia."

"I'm sorry, I just don't like hospitals." He acknowledges.

"No one does. No one likes sick people." You tell him.

"It's hard." He acknowledges, "To see someone you care about sick."

"You may as well not bother being here if you're not going to leave the doorway." You tell him.

His head snaps up, and you realise how much you've hurt him. Hurting him somehow felt even worse than making Garcia cry.

"Or..." You continue. "You can come and sit here beside me, talk to me. If you want. " You finish, softening you tone. You know it isn't easy for them. You should try harder to make it easy. You hadn't wanted them here, but they are here, and they aren't leaving.

Morgan smiles back at you, sitting beside you and taking your hand. It's easier, somehow, to talk to him.

"I wish you told us." He says simply.

"I'm sorry." You answer.

"How long have you known?"

"A little while."

"Is that why you left the BAU?" He asks.

"You don't need to be worrying about me, you have cases to solve, people you can save." Is all you answer.

"You don't need to be worrying about cases, you need to worry about getting yourself better." He responds.

"It's not gonna happen." You declare.

"There are treatments you haven't even tried yet." He insists.

"The chances aren't good."

"You can try. You're gonna try. You know that, right? You know that you have no say in it anymore? Not now we are here. You are gonna give it everything you got, you hear me Prentiss?"

"Ok." You negotiate with him. "I will try. If you do me one favour."

"I'm not making promises to you about keeping this from anyone. You know that it's not fair to ask Garcia that. I'm mad as hell that you didn't tell me you were sick, and I'm sure the rest of the team feel the same. I'm not keeping this a secret, from anyone, it's wrong."

"I know." You answer. "That wasn't what I was going to ask. I just need you to promise me, that when I'm gone..."

"Hey!" He cuts you off abruptly. "No talking like that!"

"Please?" You plead, as hot tears sting your eyes. "There is no one else I can ask. No one wants to look me in the eye, not even my doctor. They all know I'm dying. It makes them uncomfortable. And I guess Garcia won't be back after the things I said..."

"Oh, she'll be back, take more than that to keep her away." He assures you.

"I need you to promise you will look after them, Garcia and JJ, when I'm gone."

"Which is a long, long way away Prentiss." He insists, not willing to give up on you.

"Whenever it happens to be, I need to know you will look after them. Make them smile. Help them forget me."

"I will." He promises, not able to meet your eye. "But you are pretty damn unforgettable." He adds, lightening his tone. Desperately trying to get out of the conversation.

"And before I'm gone, when things get bad, don't let them sit here all day watching me die. I don't want that. I don't want them to remember that about me. I just want all of you to be happy, to be ok."

"You know what Prentiss? We are ok, all of us. You don't need to keep secrets to protect us. We wanna be here with you, no matter what. That's what family is, Em. Do you know how much it hurts us when you push us away, keep us in the dark about something so important?" He asks you.

"I'm sorry." You whisper. "I was trying to do the right thing." You try to justify it.

"Good you're sorry! So stop doing it. Stop it right now, ok?" He tells you. "You're not alone, let us help you. All of us. JJ included. Please let's not do everything the hard way. You know we are all gonna get our way in the end. You can't fight all of us. So stop it. Ok?"

"It's gonna be hard for her, for JJ." You say. It just slipped out. You're not even sure you believe it. She has a husband now, she won't miss you.

Morgan nods. "Yeah? Well imagine this. Imagine how hard its gonna be if anything happened to you, anything, and she isn't here. She would be in shock. She would have no chance to say goodbye, to say...things she needed. Its not fair, Em. And talking to Garcia like that isn't fair either."

"I know."

"Yeah I know you're sick, but i'm not gonna lie to you. You owe Garcia an apology." He insists.

"I know. And I'm glad you're always straight with me. I value that more than I can tell you." You tell him.

"Are you really worried about JJ?" He asks finally. "Is that why you don't want her here? Or are you worried about yourself?" There is no malice in his accusation, only curiosity.

You can't find an answer. Maybe he is right. "I just want this all to be over." You tell him softly as you close your eyes, exhuasted.

"Please, don't say that. I talked to your doctor. There are treatments and you're gonna try them, all of them. And if they don't work, we are here. And you aren't alone. But you have to make an effort, Emily. And you better get used to all of us being here. You have to stop this, stop keeping things from us, trying to protect us, trying to protect yourself. Life is short. No one knows how much time they have left. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Maybe you have another 60 years to live. Maybe not. But don't push us away. If there are things you need to resolve, thing you need to say or do, then you have to stop running and hiding, and face them. And you have to give people a chance to do the same."

Slowly you open your eyes as his words sink in. "You, Morgan, are my hero." You tell him as you kiss him on the top of his head. "You make the people around you feel good. You care. And you're strong. A great leader, a great friend. A brother. You changed my life."

"Back at ya." He tells you. "And don't even pull anything like this again, you hear me?"

"Ok." You agree sleepily as you close your eyes and surrender to sleep.


End file.
